Bullying begins in preschool and
gains momentum as kids grow. Depending on which survey you read, between 40 and
80 percent of middle schoolers admit to bullying behavior. Not only is Bullying
pervasive, it has become increasingly dangerous, so that children are
committing suicide or being beaten to death by their bulliers.
That's the bad news. The good
news is that bullying is preventable, and you can bully-proof your child -- and
keep him from becoming a bully.
1.
Model compassionate, respectful relationships from the time your child is
small. The
most effective way to keep children from being bullied, and from becoming
bullies, is to make sure they grow up in loving relationships, rather than
relationships that use power or force to control them. Children learn both
sides of every relationship, and they can act either one. If you spank,
your child will learn that physical violence is the way to respond to
interpersonal problems. If your discipline methods use power over your
child, he will learn to use power over others, or to let others use power over
him. Don't worry, you don't need that kind of discipline.
2.
Stay connected to your child through thick and thin.
Lonely kids are more likely to be bullied. Remember, parenting is 90%
connection -- a close relationship with your child -- and only 10%
guidance. The guidance won't stick unless you have the relationship to
support it, and will just drive your child away. Keep those lines of
communication open, no matter what.
3. Model confident behavior with other people. If you tend to back down easily so you don't make a scene, but then later feel pushed-around, it's time to change that. Your child is learning from watching you. Experiment with finding ways to assert your own needs or rights while maintaining respect for the other person. It's also important not to put yourself or your child down, because you're teaching her to follow in your footsteps.
4. Directly teach your child respectful self-assertion. Kids need to know they can get their needs met while being respectful of other people. Give him words to stick up for himself early on:
"I want a turn now."
"Hey, stop that."
"Hands off my body."
"It's not okay to
hurt."
"I don't like being called
that. I want you to call me by my name."
5. Teach your child basic social skills.
Kids who are outsiders are more likely to be bullied. Bullies prey on
children whom they perceive to be vulnerable, including needy children who are
so desperate for peer acceptance that they continue to hang around a group of
peers even when one of the group leaders begins to mistreat them. Role plays
with your child how to join a game at the playground, introduce themselves to
another child at a party, or initiate a playdate. Kids who are successful in
joining groups of kids usually observe first, and find a way to fit into the
group, rather than just barging in. Make games out of social skills, and
practice at home.
6.
Teach your child basic bully avoidance. Bullies
operate where adults aren't present, so your child should avoid unsupervised
hallways, bathrooms, and areas of the playground. Sitting in the front of
the school bus, standing in the front of the line, and sitting at a lunch table
near the cafeteria chaperones are all good strategies for bully avoidance.
7.
Teach your child that there is no shame in being frightened by a bully, in
walking away, or in telling an adult and asking for help. Bullying
situations can escalate, and saving face is less important than saving their
life.
8.
Teach kids to intervene to prevent bullying when they see it. Bullying
expert Michele Borba says that when bystanders -- kids who are nearby --
intervene correctly, studies find they can cut
bullying more than half the time and within 10 seconds.
The best interventions:
Partner
with the victim and remove her from danger - Go
stand with the victim physically, turn the victim away from the bully and walk
her off in the other direction -- towards adult help. Say "You look upset" or "I've been looking for you" or "The teacher sent me to find you."
Get
help - Bullies love
an audience. Get the other kids on your side by waving them over to you,
yelling, "We need your help." Confront the
bully: "You're being mean." Then
walk away: "C'mon, let's go!"
And of course, if you're at all
worried about safety, dial 911 or shout for a teacher.
9.
Coach your child to handle teasing and bullying by role playing. Research
shows that bullies begin with verbal harassment. How the
"victim" responds to the first verbal aggression determines whether
the bully continues to target this particular child. If the aggression
gives the bully what he's looking for -- a feeling of power from successfully
pushing the other child's buttons -- the aggression will generally
escalate. It's imperative to discuss this issue with your child before he
is subject to bullying, so he can stand up for himself successfully when a
bully first "tests" him.
Role play with your child how he can
stand up to a bully. Point out to your child that the bully wants to provoke a
response that makes him feel powerful, so showing emotion and fighting back are
exactly what the bully feeds off. Explain that while he can't control the
bully, he can always control his own response. So in every interaction, how he
responds will either inflame the situation or defuse it. Your child needs to
avoid getting "hooked" no matter how mad the bully makes him.
The best strategy is always to
maintain one's own dignity, and to let the "bully" maintain his
dignity, in other words, not to attack or demean the other person. To do this,
simply say:
"You know, I’m just going
to ignore that comment."
"I think I have something
else to do right now."
"No thank you."
Then, just walk away.
Teach your child to count to ten to
stay calm, look the bully in the eye, and say one of these things. Practice
until your child has a strong, self-assured tone.
10.
Don't hesitate to intervene. Your
job as the parent is to protect your child. That means that in addition to
teaching your child to stick up for herself, you may well need to call the
teacher or principal. Don't give your child the message that she's all alone to
handle this. And don't assume that if there isn't physical violence, she isn't
being wounded in a deep way. Despite the old rhyme about words not hurting,
mean words and isolation are terribly damaging to our psyches, and cause
lasting negative effects. If the school cannot protect your child,
consider transferring to a different school, or even homeschooling.
Here are six of the most successful strategies to help kids defend themselves:
• Assert yourself. Teach
your child to face the bully by standing tall and using a strong voice. Your
child should name the bullying behavior and tell the aggressor to stop: “That’s teasing. Stop it.” or “Stop making fun of me. It’s mean.”
• Question the response. Ann Bishop,
who teaches violence prevention, tells her students to respond to an insult
with a non-defensive question: “Why would you say that?” or
“Why would you want to tell me I am dumb (or fat) and hurt my feelings?”
• Use “I want.” Communication
experts suggest teaching your child to address the bully beginning with “I
want” and say firmly what he wants changed: “I want you to leave me alone.” or “I want you to stop teasing me.”
• Agree with the teaser. Consider
helping your child create a statement agreeing with her teaser. Teaser: “You’re dumb.” Child: “Yeah, but I’m good at it.” or Teaser: “Hey, four eyes.” Child: “You’re right, my eyesight is poor.”
• Ignore it. Bullies
love it when their teasing upsets their victims, so help your child find a way to not let his tormentor get to him. Fifth
graders offer these kid-tested ways to ignore teasers: “Pretend they’re
invisible,” “Walk away without looking at them,” “Quickly look at something
else and laugh,” and “Look completely uninterested.”
• Make Fun of the Teasing. Fred Frankel,
author of Good Friends Are Hard to Find suggests
victims answer every tease with a reply, but not tease back.
The teasing often stops, Frankel says; because the child lets the tormentor
know he’s not going to let the teasing get to him (even if it does). Suppose
the teaser says, “You’re stupid.” The
child says a rehearsed comeback such as: “Really?” Other
comebacks could be: “So?,” “You don’t say,” “And your point
is?,” or “Thanks for telling me.”..................Dr. Laura Markham
As parents, show us your advice on the comments...
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